Idiot Box

With a sad heart I say bye to you and wave...

2006-06-18T02:33:00.000-04:00

Hate Me by Blue October held feelings for other people close to me but I never assumed it would hold such feelings for me later down the road. I supposed I lost what you could call a "close friend" today. We had fights before but I guess it wasn't a strong enough friendship to last three big disagreements. I remember in January when I was dealing with massive withdrawal problems due to Topamax and some other heavy migraine/pain reliever medication mess. I was so irritable and confused all of the time. I lashed out at everyone. I don't know why everyone stuck with me like they did. I remember the night in April when I had just come home from my trip in Europe and I felt like shit because of my family and their stupid little feuds. The solitary person on my buddy list was a quiet voice saying "I'm here for you" during a time when I was quite lost and afraid. I guess this is where I made my mistake. I became dependent on having someone to talk to regularly at night before I went to sleep. Of course, they didn't understand my problems or it was too fucking late at night (12:30 AM on a school night?) for me to put a logical thought together. It got to the point where the person I thought cared about me was pulling me in the completely opposite direction that I wanted and dreamed about since I started high school. I was also beginning to get irritated by the battery of tests my doctor was assigning to me. I began to close my emotional door to people by mid-May. The end of May, with one last procedure (what I thought, anyway), I couldn't take it anymore. I ignored people's calls and messages and became my old January self again. I couldn't figure out wether it was the heavy pain medication or not, but I know I hurt others when I shut them out. One I lost forever, one I lost temporarily. Deep down, I hoped both were gone for forever. But I was wrong. I felt myself dependent again, that maybe they would understand this time. But no, I was wrong twice. I always hated being wrong. So, now they're gone because I chose to live my dream. Here's to leaving everything behind in a year and starting a new life with everything different and me depending on me for once.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say you that love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes bright and I held your face in my hand
And then fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like is used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

You Held The World In Your Arms

2006-05-28T13:52:00.000-04:00

Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything...

I saw my great aunt and great uncle's grave today for the first time in almost 5 years. For real, it was the first time in my life. I had a feeling there wouldn't be anything good coming from it even before I knew I would go there. I know this sounds overdramatic, but it brought back a slew of memories from a time when things were loads better with our family. No grudges or hurt feelings.

You got a lot of nerve coming here...

If that didn't sound [emotionally] hard enough for me, several people who I knew from my compulsive lying days approached me about the one thing that had been haunting me lately. Around three summers ago, I told a white lie about my age thinking it wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. It wouldn't have been so bad if my boyfriend's AND my ex-boyfriend's mother had approached me and asked if I was in college yet. I answered back stammering at first, while the lie came out at first and then I attempted to cover it up when they probed into it more. Then they realized what I was trying to say and swore that they thought I was older than that.

I, like a rock, sink

All I wanna do is get away from this fucking place, even if it's only two hours away (not anywhere near northern Delaware or southern Pennsylvania, God, that would be even worse), it would help my nerves. I've made too many mistakes and screwed with too many people's lives to live in peace here. This place holds nothing but more heartbreak and tears and I don't want that to happen to the people I care about.

Like a bottle with the cork stuck, your true ingredients trapped up inside
Through the cloudy glass we catch a glimse of you
I guess the hard shell represents your pride
Oh, if only it could be different we could uncover the you, you deny
Between two, a small discrepency, one complicates and one simplifies

This is my apology to anyone who reads this and has felt shunned by me or hurt by me or have felt that I don't like them without a reason in anyway. Even though no one will read this who needs to read it, I feel a little bit better writing this if that's even possible.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.

And it's three years late
So how does it feel, to be three years late?
And watching your youth drift away
What seems different, seems different today

Everybody's Fool

2006-05-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

-

ARGH.

Oh Say Can You...Si?

2006-04-29T12:39:00.000-04:00

I agree with President Bush on at least one thing.

"I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English," Bush said.

My dad used to wear a t-shirt that said "Speak English or Die!" I don't think we should go that far though but it would be nice if they at least TRIED to put their brains to a good use.

All the more reason to become an expatriate in the coming years if money and life allow.

The Hermit

2006-04-09T22:19:00.000-04:00

Usually I don't like to post my quiz results, but I find this one interesting enough to keep. It's pretty meaningful to me at this point in my life.

You Are The Hermit

You posses a great deal of wisdom and the ability to see people for who they are.

You are always looking ahead at the future, developing visions.

A loner, you tend to travel by yourself through life, seeking your own truth.

You don't crave material things or fancy titles. You have no baggage.

Your fortune:

It's possible that there is a unknown guiding figure in your life, ready to help you.

All you have to do is find this person and seek their advice.

It's also possible that you need to start seeking the meaning of your own life.

Either way, there's some deep thinking you need to undertake, and it needs to be done soon.

What Tarot Card Are You?

dA Feature #1

2006-04-05T22:50:00.000-04:00

I decided to feature photographs from websites I'm a member of that I like. The first photographer I've chosen is located on deviantart.com.

From Portugal...

See the rest of xsmartpatrolx's work here.

Explanation of the title...

2006-04-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

Why Idiot Box?

I'm a music geek, you could say. I like to use music I like in everything (I bet the copyright police would love to get to know me one day). If you happen to look at my last.fm profile, you will see Incubus is one of my most played bands since I signed up in December. It might be because I have four of their albums. Anyway, Idiot Box has a cool beat and it's got a good message about T.V.

You keep your riches and I'll sew my stitches,

you can't make me think like you, mundane.

I've got a message for all those who think that they

can etch his words inside my brain.

T.V., what do I need?

Tell me who to believe.

What's the use of autonomy

when a button does it all?

So listen up, glisten up closely all,

who've seen the fuckin' eye ache too.

It's time to step away from cable train.

And when we finally see the subtle light,

think quirk in evolution will begin

to let us live and recreate.

T.V., what do I need?

Tell me who to believe!

what's the use of autonomy

when a button does it all?

T.V., what should I see?

Tell me who should I be?

Let's do our mom a favor and drop

a new god off a wall.

Let me see past the fatuous knocks,

I've gotta rid myself of this idiot box.

Let you see past the feathers and flocks,

and help me plant a bomb in this idiot box.

From the depths of the sea

to the tops of the trees

to the seat of a lazy boy

staring at a silver screen.

Lyrics courtesy of songmeanings.com